Waiting
by HanschenRilowIsTheSex
Summary: Ernst has gone missing...Hanschen has an epiphany...Hanschen/Ernst Prompt "Missing" My First Time...Read and Review Please :


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Hi! Im Steffi and this is my first fic! The prompt was missing and it's from the Hernst forum on FF.N, so, um, yeah I hope you like._

_Disclaimer - If i owned SA Touch Me would be replaced by Hanschen singing I Touch Myself my The Divinyls...  
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The night wheels slowly by outside the window, the town sleeping uneasily under silent stars. The clock in the hall ticks the seconds clumsily away, long, shallow moments divided into clunking mechanical segments, while the cold moonlight from my bedroom window shifts imperceptibly from my elbow round towards my back, casting long shadows across the carpet, changing familiar objects into jagged turrets and angular faces, remnants from half-remembered dreams. I sigh and turn the page, the sound sudden and disruptive in the heavy silence. I need to learn this, I tell myself. I'm just enjoying the peace and quiet. The moonlight. You're not tired. Breathe. Concentrate. _You're not waiting for him. _

And with that single thought, that brief acknowledgement, I know as I have all along the real reason that I'm sitting alone through the watches of the night, staring unseeing at the same page of elaborate text, muscles screaming with pathetic, involuntary tension. _I'm not,_ I tell myself. _I'm not waiting for him._ _I can't be, I can't be that stupid. Not me. _

_But I am_.

The physical relief that comes with the small act of admitting this to myself catches me unawares. I realise I've been holding my breath, my limbs give way all at the same time, and I collapse, gasping for air, onto the volume in front of me, my eyes screwed shut in self-loathing. I can't do this. I've got to make myself go to bed, stop thinking about – anything, just _stop this._ I jump up and pace wildly backwards and forwards, trying to think of anything other than him. Where is he? What's he doing? Is he smiling at someone the way he smiles at me, that sweet, innocent half-grin? He's so trusting and fragile; that's what worries me. He can be taken, and torn and spoilt so easily. By whichever sick pervert chooses to come along and take advantage of him.

_A little like you did._

I push my thoughts away, and glance back to my Latin. I need to learn this, I tell myself.

_No you don't. You know it._

Shut-up, I tell myself, just shut-up.

When, when will he come back? _Hanschen, you have to stop it. _Why isn't he back yet! What if he's hurt? Oh, God. I almost retch, images of his body, broken and abandoned, torn apart by dogs, being forced to do things he doesn't want to do by some-one he doesn't know, his shock of raven-black hair sodden and matted by blood, laying siege to my mind in a relentless barrage of horror. I can't breathe again. _Now you're just being ridiculous, _I tell myself. Things like that don't happen to Ernst. He's not reckless, he's not stupid. He probably just went for a walk and got caught up in his own little world and lost track of time. He's probably at home now and I'll see his face at school tomorrow, beaming brightly at me.

Still...perhaps I should go out and look for him? Yes. I'll do that. I need some air anyway, I could just... NO! Oh, God, how did I get into this state? When did this happen?

I realise that I'm shaking, and force myself to sit down, breathe slowly and deeply, and let calming magic creep out from my centre and ease my knotted muscles. The clock strikes three, the sound resonating woefully through the dark house and somewhere towards the heath a dog howls. I shiver, and feel calmer. I can beat this. I just have to go to bed, reach the sweet oasis of sleep.

'_Hansi! Ernst Robel has gone missing!'_

My sister's voice rings through my head. She had told me at eight 'o' clock that Ernst still hadn't returned home. Ernst's father had been round, asking if Ernst was here. Unfortunately he wasn't... Isn't…_ Might never be._

God! What is wrong with me? Why do I care so much? He's just another boy in my class, granted, I may be a _lot _closer to him than any of my other classmates but some-one of my age should not be acting in such ways. Well, that's what my father had told me anyway. I had almost cried when I found out. And that's when I actually realised. I already knew, but it wasn't invading my thoughts. Now it is. Nagging away in the forefront of my mind. Why I really care so much that Ernst - my shy, perfect, innocent classmate - is missing.

_I love him._

But I can't, not me. Real men don't love. Well that is, _Rilow_ men don't love as the only person to tell me that men don't love was my father. But now that he's not here with me, that I can't reach him and tell him everything is okay, I fully understand that I do…I am in love with Ernst Robel.

Originally I had felt no emotion towards the Robel boy, I had taken him and seduced him, purely for pleasure and release, and I held no emotion towards him. Though I became slightly worried when one time was not enough and I felt myself longing to see Ernst again out of school…and out of his uniform. But now, a year and a half later, I _am_ in love with him.

And he's not here.

I try to test the words out, to see if I will actually be able to say them aloud.

"I-I…I…"

My lips tremble as the words catch in my throat. Damn.

'_Father?'_

'_Yes son?'_

'_Do you love Mother?'_

'_Of course I don't boy, real men don't love. I married her because she is beautiful and my father thought she was of appropriate social status to marry into the Rilow family…and of course the dowry helped his decision. Real men __**don't**__ love.'_

Being told at the age of six that my father didn't love my mother was quite a shock to me. At Sunday school we were always told that marriage was the way to show that you truly loved some-one. Well that was a load of bollocks as-well. A ring and a piece of paper do not show that two-people love each-other, it's just those around us doing was is proper and what is expected of them.

Oh God. I'm starting to sound like Melchior.

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_Where is he?!_

A soft knock on my door stirs me from my inner-self.

"Hanschen?" It's my mother.

"Yes?"

"They found Ernst Robel"

They found him! I knew he would be safe and that all my worries were irrational. In all honesty there is no-one around here who would try and take advantage of him, except maybe the _old_ me. The _new_ me wants to go tell Ernst that I love him.

Yes of course! I' do it. I'll tell him. Right Now.

I run over to my door and open it.

"Can I go and see him?"

"Not now sweetheart, in the morning perhaps."

My mother is a sweet-natured woman who's looks match her personality. The polar opposite of my father. But, despite her kindness, I know she does not appreciate being woken at god only knows what hour to inform me that my friend has returned. So I won't test her patience.

"Yes mother"

"Goodnight dear"

And I close the door. I dress quickly and clamber out of window. I find myself sprinting to the Robel's house._ Im going to do it. I'll tell him._ I slow as I reach the path towards his house. I can't really go barging in at half-past three in the morning requesting to see Ernst when his mother will probably be in hysterics. It wouldn't be polite. So I wait. And I wait. Until all of the lights have been put out and the only one that remains is the small flicker of light coming from Ernst's bedroom. I climb up the trellis and tap softly on his window. His face appears on the opposing side of the glass and an endearing smile paints his tear-stained face. He slides up his window.

"Hanschen! What are you doing here!" he asks in a delighted whisper.

"I've come to see you, obviously" He moves aside so I can come in.

We stand there looking at each-other, and then, as if my some indistinguishable force is controlling me, I wrap my arms tightly around him and kiss his hair. He wraps his arms around my waist and buries his head into my shoulder. We pull apart and he leads my over to the bed.

"What happened Ernst?"

"Well, I decided to go for a walk in the woods, but I got distracted…and then I got lost and I couldn't find my way back, so I thought It would be best if I stayed where I was and didn't wander anymore then eventually Herr Lammermier and your brother found me and brought me home."

"What were you thinking, anything could have happened"

"Im sorry Hanschen"

"You scared me, Ernst"

He looks up at me with wide innocent eyes, that are canopied my thick dark lashes. "Really?" His fringe has fallen in front of his eyes, it always does, and I brush an errant lock away from his face. "Really, Ernst" I cup his face into my hands and he leans into my touch. I press a soft, loving kiss to his lips, he smiles.

"Ernst, I have something to tell you"

"What is it, Hanschen?"

"I…I…" _ Say it you idiot!_ "I want you to promise me you won't do that again."

So much for the 'New Hanschen'. Oh well, the old Hanschen will just have to do, and Ernst seems to enjoy his company anyway.

"I promise."

"Well on that note, I best be returning home…" I say as I stand up.

"Wait…please stay with me, Hanschen" he grabs me hand and pulls me back onto the bed.

"Well, I suppose I could"

How could I refuse him? Especially when he's looking at me like that, longing present in his wide eyes. God, he's beautiful. He pulls me down on top of him and hands fumble blindly for clothes.

_I love you._

_**Tell Him.**_

_I love you, Ernst Robel._

_**TELL HIM!**_

But then I get distracted as my body becomes preoccupied and my mind goes into auto-pilot. So instead of telling him, I show that I love him in the only way I know how.

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_ Okay , so sorry about the blatant overuse of italics and the random dislaimer it came about like this_

_Eloise: Why doesn't Hanschen have a solo in Touch Me_

_Me: Because he touches himself._

_Adam,Craig& Daniel; *sings* I dont want anybody else when I think about you i touch myself..XD_

_Reviews!!! Please and Thankyou :)  
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